The Origin of the RULES!
by Miss.Geordie.Lass
Summary: There are a few unwritten rules you hould abide by to get a successful education at Howarts and here are how they came about. Onshots about hogwarts. Not in chronological order. May contain maruaders era. 1st chap Rules Totally RANDOM!
1. The Unwritten Rules

**Things I Am Not Allowed To Do At Hogwarts**

I will not poke Hufflepuff's with spoons, nor will I insist that their house colours indicate that they are "covered in bees".

No matter how good a fake Australian accent I can do I will not imitate Steve Irwin during Care of Magical Creatures class

Growing marijuana or hallucinogenic mushrooms is not "an extra credit project for Herbology".

"I've heard every possible joke about Oliver Wood's name" is not a challenge.

Putting up Doug Henning posters in Filch's office is not appropriate.

I will not go to class skyclad.

The Giant Squid is not an appropriate date to the Yule Ball.

I will not use Umbridge's quill to write, "I told you I was hardcore".

I will stop referring to showering as "giving Moaning Myrtle an eyeful".

Polishing my wand in the common room is acceptable. "Polishing my wand" in the common room is not.

If a classmate falls asleep, I will not take advantage of that fact and draw the Dark Mark on their arm.

House Elves are not acceptable replacements for Bludgers.

Staring a betting pool on the fate of this years DADA teacher is tasteless and tacky, not a clever moneymaking concept.

I will not start every potions class by asking Professor Snape if today's project is suitable for use as a sexual lubricant.

"Liften Separatis Crotchum" is not a real spell.

I will not claim 'Breakfast Club' and 'The National Lampoons animal house' are an accurate presentation of Muggle schools.

Seamus Finnegan is not "after me Lucky Charms".

I will not refer to the Weasley twins as "bookends".

I will not refer to the Patil twins as "bookends".

I will not call the DADA teacher Kenny, even if he is wearing an orange anorak.

There is no such thing as a were-thylacine.

I will not provide Luna Lovegood with Coast-to-Coast AM transcripts.

I will not bring a Magic Eight Ball to Divination class.

I will not place anything by Silver Ravenwolf on the library shelves.

Tricking the school house elf into stripping does not mean they are now mine even if I yell "Owned!"

I am not a sloth Animagus.

I am not a tribble Animagus.

I am allowed to have a toad, rat, cat, or owl. I am not allowed to have a reticulated python, snow leopard, Tasmanian devil, or a piranha.

I do not weigh the same as a duck.

Remus Lupin does not want a flea collar.

I do not have a Dalek Patronus.

I will not lick Trevor.

I will stop asking the Arithmancy teacher what the square root of -1 is.

The Ravenclaws are not "Mentals in training".

Any resemblance between Dementors and Belzenef is coincidental.

I will not change the password to the prefect's bath to "Makes getting clean almost as much fun as getting dirty".

There is no such thing as an Invisibility Thong.

Professor Flitwick does not wish to be addressed as "Admiral Nelson".

Asking "How do you keep a Gryffindor in suspense?" and then running is only funny the first time.

I will not offer to pose nude for Colin Creevey.

I will not offer to pose nude for Dean Thomas.

"42″ is not the answer to every question to the O.W.L.'s.

It is a bad idea to tell Professor McGonagall she takes herself too seriously.

I am not to Owl copies of the Evil Overlord List to suspected Death Eaters.

I will not offer to prepare tandoori owl.

I will stop asking when we will learn to make "Love Potion Number Nine".

I will not ask Dumbledore to show me the pointy hat trick.

I will not teach the first-years to sing "A Wizard's Staff Has A Knob On The End".

If Ginny Weasley wanted to borrow my Darkover books, she would have said so already.

I will not take out a life insurance policy on Harry Potter.

I will not go to meals dressed as Choda Boy.

Sirius Black did not found the Sirius Cybernetics Corp.

I will not draw an "H" on Percy Weasley's forehead.

My name is not Captain Subtext.

Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab does not sell potions ingredients and I will not resell their products as "Veela Pheromones"

I will not refer to Kingsley Shacklebolt as a "Big Black Sex Auror".

I cannot Hadoken anything into oblivion.

Professor Flitwick's first name is not Yoda.

I am not the Defence Against the Boring Classes Professor.

I am no longer allowed to use the words "pimp cane" in front of Draco Malfoy.

It is generally accepted that cats and dragons cannot interbreed and I should not attempt to disprove this theory no matter how wicked the result would be.

Gryffindor courage does not come in bottles labelled "Firewhisky".

Using the Engorgio charm on certain parts of the human anatomy is not permitted on school grounds, not even for entertainment purposes.

First years are not to be fed to Fluffy.

A wand is for magic only, it is not for picking noses, playing snooker, or drumming on desks, no matter how bored I become.

It is inappropriate to slip sample bottles of Pantene ProV into Professor Snape's personal post-box.

I will stop referring to Hufflepuff's as "cannon fodder".

I will not impersonate the Swedish Chef in Potions class.

First-years should not be encouraged to befriend the Whomping Willow.

Novelty or holiday themed ties are not to be worn with my school uniform.

I will not use my socks to make hand puppets of the Slytherin house mascot.

When fighting Death Eaters in the annual June battle of Good v. Evil, I will not lift my wand skyward and shout "There can be only ONE!".

I should not refer to DADA professors as "canaries in the coal mine".

I will not say the phrase "Dude, get a life." to Lord Voldemort.

I will not put books of muggle fairy tales in the history section of the library.

There is not now, nor has there ever been, a fifth house at Hogwarts. And I am not a member of that house, nor am I its founder.

I will not refer to the Accio charm as "The Force".

Albus Dumbledore's proper title is "Headmaster", not "My Liege".

I will not tell Professor Trelawney that I foresaw her death.

I will not use Slytherin first years as Christmas decorations.

Calling the Ghostbusters is a cruel joke to play on the resident ghosts and poltergeists.

If asked in class what the Avada Kedavra curse does, yelling "It Does DEATH!!!" may be correct but it is not the manner in which one should answer.

I am not allowed out of my dorm when visitors from the Ministry are here.

I am not allowed to lock Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy in a closet to see if hot gay sex will occur.

Ravenclaw's do not find a sign saying, "The library is closed for and indefinite time period" amusing in any sense.

I will not attempt to recreate the Key to Time in Transfiguration class.

A time turner is not a flux capacitator, and I should therefore not install one in any Muggle cars.

I am not allowed to use silencing charms on my Professors.

I will not charm Hermione's time turner to rotate every half-hour.

If the thought of a spell makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it.

I will not claim my X-Files tapes are "Auror Training Videos".

When being interrogated by a member of the staff, I am not to wave my hand and announce "These are not the droids you are looking for".

I am not a member of the Spanish Inquisition

Albus Dumbledore is not my personal Jesus.

I am not authorized to negotiate a peace treaty with Voldemort.

I will not follow potions instructions in reverse order just to see what  
happens.

I will not claim there is a prequel to Hogwarts: A History that explains about Bilbo Baggins.

"OMGWTF" is not a spell no matter if sparks appear from my wand.

I will not, under any circumstances, ask Harry Potter who died and made him boss.

I am not allowed to introduce Peeves to paintballing.

I am not allowed to refer to Susan Bones, Hannah Abbott and Justin Finch-Fletchley as Blossom, Buttercup, and Bubbles.

I will not cast the occasional Obliviate spell on Dumbledore, even if it would be amusing.

I am not allowed to give the Gryffindors Pixie Stix.

I will not lock the Slytherins and Gryffindors in a room together and take bets on who will come out alive.

I will not give Hagrid Pokemon cards and convince him they are real animals.

I will not teach the house elves to impersonate Jar Jar Binks.

I will not sing The Badger Song during Hufflepuff-Slytherin Quidditch matches.

I will not tell first years that they should build a tree house in the Whomping Willow.

I will not douse Harry Potter's Invisibility Cloak with lemon juice to see if he will become visible wearing it and standing near the fire in the common room.

I will not tell first years that Moon Prism Power is a basic Transfiguration spell.

I will not yell "Believe it… or not!" after any of Dumbledore's speeches.

Bringing fortune cookies to Divination class does not count for extra credit.

My name is not "The Dark Lord Happy-Pants" and I am not allowed to sign my papers as such.

There is no such thing as the Chamber of Double Secret Probation nor will I give First-Years a hand drawn map by 'The Founders' to find it.

I will not attempt to magically animate my marshmallow Peeps.

I will never ask Harry if his scar senses are tingling.

Voldemort is not Hitler reincarnated.

I will not sing the entire Multiplication Rock series during Arithmancy exams.

I will not charm the suits of armour to do a rendition of "Knights of the Round Table" for the Christmas feast.

I will not call Professor McGonagall "McGoogles".

I am not allowed to make lightsaber sound with my wand.

"Draco Malfoy Takes It Up The Arse" is not an acceptable Quidditch chant.

I will not dress up as Voldemort for Halloween.

I will not wear my 'DEATH EATER AND PROUD OF IT!' shirt to school.

I am not allowed to re-enact famous battles of the Revolutionary War in the charms corridor.

I am not allowed to declare an official Hug A Slytherin Day.

I am not allowed to introduce myself to the first years as Tim the Enchanter.

I am not Xena: Warrior Princess and I shall not use war cries to signal my entrance into any classroom.

I will not try and start Naked Thursdays in the Common Room.

It is not necessary for me to yell "BAMF!" every time I Apparate.

I will not steal Gryffindor's sword from Dumbledore's office and use it to patrol the hallways.

I am not allowed to sing my own personal spy music while wandering the hallways.

I am not allowed to begin each Herbology class by singing the theme song to "Attack of the Killer Tomatoes".

I will not teach the first years to play "The Penis Game" in the Great Hall during dinner.

I am not allowed to paint the house elves blue or say 'The Smurfs are taking over'

I will not organize a Hogwarts Fight Club.

It is a bad idea to tell Professor Snape he takes himself too seriously.

I will not tell the first years that Professor Snape is the Voice of God.

I will not dress up in a Dementors suit and use a Dust buster on Harry's lips to get him to do what I want.

I will not start food fights in the Great Hall.

I will not scare the Arithmancy students with my Calculus book.

"To conquer the earth with an army of flying monkeys" is not an appropriate career choice.

I will not sing "We're off to see the wizard" when sent to the Headmaster's office.

The Whomping Willow is not an Ent.

It is not necessary to yell "Burn!" everytime Snape takes points from Gryffindor.

"Y'all check this-here shit out!" is not an appropriate way to announce that you are about to perform an experimental spell.

I will not hold my wand in the air before casting spells and shout "I have the power!"

I am not the King of the Potato People and I do not have a flying carpet.

I will not tell Sir Cadogan that the Knights Who Say Ni have challenged him to a duel and then have students yell "Ni" from various directions.

Getting everyone in the Great Hall to do the Time Warp will not earn me any house points.

I will not teach the front doors to recognise Filch and not let him in.

I will not give Voldemort a toupee to hide his baldness.

I am not allowed to tell first years that there is a playground in the forbidden forest

Giving Professor Snape a ton tongue toffee is unacceptable.

Singing 'pop goes the weasel' when Professor Dumbledore is giving a speech is not permitted.

I will not introduce Slytherins to 'my pet dog Fluffy,' no matter how tempting it is.

Shouting 'How COULD you betray me like that?' whenever Snape removes house points is forbidden.

I will not steal vertaserum from Snape's store and add some to the teacher's morning tea.

I will not tell Snape he needs to go to his 'happy place'

I must not convince first years that the new password to Gryffindor tower is 'Petrificus Totalus' and must be said with their wands pointed at them.

I will not tell Professor Trelawney that my teacup says she's lying.

I am not allowed to dress up like Neville's grandmother when going to a Halloween party in Snape's dungeon.

The forbidden forest is forbidden because it contains werewolves and acromantula, not because there is a secret cave with the answers to every test, and I should refrain from telling the first years that there is.

A bludger is not a bowling ball, and Professor Snape is not a bowling pin. I will not attempt to prove otherwise.

I will not tye-dye all of the owls.

I will not shave Mrs. Norris

The house elves are not there to do my homework

There is no bring a muggle to school day

I must stop telling 1st years about the time the Hogwarts Christmas tree ate a student

I must not throw Mrs Norris out windows

Telling Draco Malfoy to 'Make like a ferret and bounce' is always a bad idea.

I will not start singing and dancing in the middle of a class and blame that someone put the Imperious Curse on me.

I must not throw Hermione's Hogwarts: A History out the window and then claim that it wanted freedom.

I must not leave shampoo on Professor Snape's desk with directions on how to use it.

I will not tell first years that the best way to study is to stay up all night balancing your textbook on your head, as gravity will cause the information to sink through the skull and into the brain.

I will not take a hippogriff to the Summer Olympics to get an unfair advantage at the Equestrian competitions

I will not use magic to change test questions into those I can answer

The proper way to report to my Teacher is "Yes, Sir" not "You can't prove a thing!"

A hug is not all Snape needs

When I see Professor Umbridge, I will not say, "There you are, Trevor. Neville has been looking all over for you."

I will not tell Snape he is emo/goth just because he likes wearing black.

Harry Potter is not my 'Protection Shield' to carry around to ward off evil.

I will not introduce Peeves to IM.

I will not introduce Snape to IM.

I will not tell McGonagall that she is bad luck because she can turn into a cat.

I will not introduce Peeves to a TV.

I will not tell Filch that he needs to bathe once in a while.

I won't sign my homework as 'Princess Darkness'

When answering questions in Snape's class, I won't finish my sentences saying: 'dear God'.

I will not hand out slips of papers asking students to answer the following question: Do you think Snape is evil?

I will not make a 'Too sexy for my shirt' slideshow full of Snape pictures and show it during all of my classes.

I will not tell the first years, who are waiting to be sorted, that in order to be sorted, you must confess your deepest secrets aloud while wearing the hat.

The "I Hate Snape" Club is not a valid after-class activity.

Making Harry Potter action figures without his permission is wrong.

I will not tell Grawp that "Hermy" will give him a kiss if he eats certain members of the faculty

I will not charm Firenze pink and call him "my little pony."

I will not "borrow" a prefects' badge for Peeves.

I will not attempt to set up a satellite dish on the Astronomy Tower

There is no Interpretive Dance course offered at Hogwarts, and I should stop signing up for it every year.

Yes, the Great Hall is extremely large, but Quidditch is an outside sport.

I will not demonstrate how to juggle using two Bludgers and the Snitch

I will not enter the great Hall running and yelling "We're going to Die" each time Snape comes to a meal.

I will not make farm animal noises in the back of Care for Magical creatures

I will not tell first years that divination is their 5th sense

Looking after a virtual pet is not a way to gain extra marks in care for magical creatures.

In the annual battle between death eaters and Hogwarts I will not sing "99 death eaters alive in the war, 99 death eaters alive. You shoot a spell they hit the ground. 98 deaths eaters alive in the war" as we fight.

Harry does not wish to wear a tutu to lunch and I should not make him.

I will not put black circles over Harry's lenses and tell him he has gone blind. No matter how funny it could get.

I will not sing "ebony and Ivory" whenever I see Dean and Seamus together.

I will not tell first years Fang is a hellhound.

I will not post notices in common rooms saying that tomorrow is a theme day, wear a costume, even if it may be vegetable day.

"Another one bites the dust" is not a song to sing during Quidditch matches.

The first few lines of Mama by MCR is not the best song to be singing during first year sorting,

I will not tell students singing the fat Albert theme song is a way to gain extra points on potions

I will not laugh at Sirius if he changes his middle name to 'Lee'.

I will not laugh at Lupin's 'time of the month'.

I will not offer Crabbe and Goyle a cupcake with Vertaserum.

I will not make fun of Harry and his 'Potter Senses Tingling'.

I will not cast 'Petrificus Totalus' on myself in order to avoid going to classes.

I am not allowed to organize a witch burning, even if I have been assigned to do a presentation on Muggle history in my Muggle Studies class.

"All's fair in love and war" is not an official rule of Hogwarts

I will not attempt to confuse Crabbe and Goyle by calling them by each other's names.

Even if I myself to do not believe in it, I will respect that the school observes daylight savings time.

Watching "The Food Network" is not equivalent to sitting NEWT-level Potions classes.

Mr. Weasley's flying car is not to be taken apart piece by piece and rebuilt inside Snape's classroom

I will not tell the Ravenclaws that they're basically useless because Hogwart's smartest student is in another house

It is not appropriate trade first years between houses.

I will not tell first years that "any true wizard or witch" can see Thestrals, and that if they can't they "obviously aren't cut out for this school".

Draco Malfoy is not the secret identity of "Ferret Boy".

I will not attempt to determine whether Malfoy is a natural blond.

The song "Ding Dong, The Witch is Dead" is never, ever appropriate.

"Springtime for Voldemort" is not an acceptable suggestion for the class play.

I will stop pasting happy face stickers on Snape's office door

Hagrid's skin is not green and I should stop calling him 'The Jolly Green Giant.'

Breaking into song during Potions class is not acceptable

Teaching first years to chorus in unison "The amazing bouncing ferret" whenever they hear the name Draco Malfoy is just wrong, funny, but wrong.

Bungee jumping off the astronomy tower is against the rules, even if it isn't written anywhere.

Yelling 'BOO!' at Professor Moody is not wise

I am not allowed to use the superglue spell to stick Harry and Draco's hands together

I will not sing "Defying Gravity" during Quidditch practice.

Saying the Dark Mark should be the Slytherin Crest is wrong.

I will not sweep the Gryffindor common room with Harry Potter's prized Firebolt.

It is wrong to refer to Aragog as "Charlotte".

I will not swap Draco's broom with one out of Filch's broom cupboard.

I will no longer wear a hood, walk up to Harry, and claim to be his real father.

I will not tell Professor Trelawney that I had a vision of her killing the Dark Lord.

I am to stop asking Professor Snape to Yule Ball.

Mad-Eye Moody knows his eye is creepy, he does not need to be told... again.

Despite popular belief, Hufflepuffs are not soft and squishy. Do not treat them as such.

I am not allowed to predict the end of the world more than once.

I will stop substituting Professor Lupin's Wolfsbane with Polyjuice Potion containing hairs from Mrs. Norris.

Regardless of the beautiful irony, I will not hang a tempting piñata from the Whomping Willow.

I will not attempt to graft a transplant from the Whomping Willow onto the Hogwarts Christmas Tree in Herbology class.

I will not try to make a new basilisk for the Chamber of Secrets

I am not to refer to the Potions classroom as "Kitchen Stadium".

"Potter 6, Voldemort 0″, is not a valid T-shirt slogan

I will not pay Peeves to rewrite the school-anthem!

If Lupin requests something of me, it is considered very rude to refuse by replying, "Not by the hair of my chinny-chin-chin!"

Telling Umbridge cardigans are so 1994 will get you in trouble.

I must never tell Ron he looks like a puffer fish.

I am not allowed to sing "Holding Out For A Hero" whenever Harry Potter enters the room.

Putting fake spiders around Ron's bed isn't funny. Especially when he tries to jump out of the window.

It probably isn't smart to ask Draco Malfoy if his hair glows in the dark.

No matter how cool it sounds I will not release pixies into the school - it will just end badly.

I will not use muggle hair dye-to-dye Draco Malfoy's hair red.

It is not a good idea to charm the furniture in the potions classroom to be pink and fluffy.

I will not owl Voldemort a bottle of anti-depressants.

I will not make Snape an appointment with a muggle psychiatrist.

It is not a good idea to ask Snape if he is off his medication when he is angry or ever.

After using the hair dye on Malfoy, I will not attempt to claim him as the long missing Weasley brother.

I will not tell the first years that it is customary to dye their hair in their house colours for their first day of lessons.

A lightning bolt tattoo is NOT the 'Light Mark'.

Selling memorabilia with photographs of the 'ferret incident' is not allowed.

There is no annual 'Dress Like Dumbledore' day.

The Muggle band 'Kill Hannah' are not sending subliminal messages to kill Hufflepuffs.

Telling Voldemort that 'The Ripper' is still more feared than him, is a very bad idea

Mary Ann Cotton I not a suitable Muggle studies 'case study' no matter how easy it is for you to acquire arsenic.

'Dirty Little secret' is forbidden to be sung when Hermione Granger and either of the Malfoy men are close to each other

Tigger is not the Gryffindor mascot.

Draco Dormiens Nunquam Titillandus (Never Tickle A Sleeping Dragon), the school motto, should not be ignored, i.e. don't tickle Draco Malfoy when he naps in History of magic.

I should never tell first-years that a unicorn called Charlie would show them the way to Candy Mountain.

Hogwarts does not need a Host Club

No matter how much manga I read, The Sohma's are not real, and Draco and Ron are not called Yuki and Kyo, and Hermione is not Tohru.

Dumbledore is gay. No mater how many love potions I slip into Minerva's drinks.

I will not give Draco his very own pimp cane for Christmas.

McGonagall will not turn into the next Lizzie Borden

I will not conjure a real Lion and Snake to fight in the great hall.

Reid Garwin is NOT Draco Malfoy, or any part of his family.

Hosting a Talent show without the headmaster's consent is a disaster waiting to happen

Crookshanks does not in anyway resemble Garfield therefore I shall stop feeding him Italian Dishes

Offering Professor McGonagall a saucer of milk is not an acceptable way to greet her, no matter what animagus form she has.

Bug spray doesn't work on Rita Skeeter and I should stop trying

**These are just a few unwritten rules at hogwarts and this is how they came about......**

* * *

A/N-There is currently 292 rules i may add more


	2. Assaulting bees with spoons

**1.I will not poke Hufflepuff's with spoons, nor will I insist that their house colours indicate that they are "covered in bees"**

It was an average day in the Weasley twins first year at Hogwarts school of Witchcraft and Wizardry, and their mother had told them to always follow their brothers' example. At the end of their first week, they realised that their mother does not know all of her sons very well, or what they do when they are at school.

On the aforementioned average day, it was breakfast time and George was flicking coco pops at their best friend, Lee, while Fred was practicing the Levitation spell for charms, as he was unable to do it properly and the spoon he was charming, just wibbled, wobbled and flopped.

"That's not how you do it, Fred," Percy explained as he sat beside George, "It's a swish and flick not scribble, watch me." Pulling out his wand, he pointed it at George. With a swish and a flick and the right incantation, George's spoon floated out of his hand. With a sly smirk grazing his features, Percy charmed the spoon to go whizzing across the great hall.

In the midst of the Hufflepuff table, a small second year, by the name of Cedric Diggory, jumped up with a yelp, and glared at the Gryffindor table. As if synchronised, all three of the Weasley's and Lee burst out laughing.

Marching across the hall, ignoring the confused looks from the professors, he went right up to the Weasleys and stood behind them.

"Yes Cedric, what can we do for you?" Percy said in his most pompous tone.

"I wanted to know why this spoon came hurtling from one of the twin's hands and hit me in the shoulder."

"Well we are really sorry but I was trying to teach Fred the Levitation charm."

"Could you at least have tried to be more careful?"

"No sorry we couldn't because we were aiming for the bees."

"What bees are you on about?" Cedric was beginning to get just as confused as the majority of the population of the hall, who were eavesdropping.

"You know, the bees that surround many of the Hufflepuffs on a school day."

"What in the name of Merlin are you on about?"

"Erm you know the bees which are attracted to the yellow and black of your house colours."

Then with such anger and humour in his voice, Professor Dumbledore shouted over the din in the hall.

"Will Misters Weasley, Mister Jordan and Mister Diggory please join me in my office after breakfast?"


	3. imitating a dead dude

**No matter how good a fake Australian accent I can do I will not imitate Steve Irwin during Care of Magical Creatures class**

The day was calm and peaceful and completely normal, well as normal as a day in a school full of under-age witches and wizards can be. It was lunch time, just before the golden trio had Care of the Magical Creatures with Professor Hagrid and the two youngest Weasley's were looking at their muggle-born friend with unease.

She didn't have her nose in a book, she wasn't writing an essay, she didn't even have her school bag as well as that she kept looking back and forth between her watch and the doors. She wasn't eating but had the hyperactivity of a demented Cornish Pixie.

When the bell finally rang for afternoon lessons, she didn't even wait for Ron as she just sprinted from the great hall and out the entrance hall doors and through the grounds and only stopped when she ran into Harry outside Hagrid's hut. As she was panting for breath he started to lead her towards the lesson.

"Are you ready?"

"As ready as I'll ever be"

"There is no going back"

"I know now lets go"

A few minutes later they walked to class looking relatively normal, if you don't count the the absence of any school books, parchment or quills all they had was a plastic green tube, a little bit fatter and longer than a lipstick tube, each.

Hagrid came walking out of the forest with a giant shaking box. At this cue, when everyone was looking at Hagrid, Harry and Hermione used the green tubes to put green lines on their faces. Hagrid then preceded to pour the contents of the box onto a tree stump.

"Resorted to bringing twigs to the lesson have you?" Draco's voice could be recognisable anywhere.

"Twenty points from Slytherin for being so disrespectful. Now can anyone tell me what the true name of these creatures is?"

Harry and Hermione managed to get themselves to the front of the class during this scene.

"Those beauties there are Bow-truckles they are", Hermione exclaimed in an Australian accent.

"Feisty little creatures if I do say so myself", Harry added in a similar accent

"20 points to Gryffindor each", Hagrid said eyeing them suspiciously. "Can anyone tell me something else about them."

Bending down next to the stump Harry said, "These nasty little monsters will claw your eyes out if don't treat them right".

"Getting a bow-truckle way from a wand tree ain't like wrestling an alligator but it's canny hard. You can't make'em suspicious when you're luring them " Hermione was losing her Australian accent which was being replaced by a strong Geordie accent.

"Aye they only eat woodlice and other small insects."

"Which are canny hard to find unless you know where to look."

"Right, Harry, Hermione stand up and explain yourselves."

"We were just answering the questions you asked sir" they replied in unison.

"And the accents?"

"Steve Irwin" Again Draco's voice was unmistakable. All muggleborns looked at him in shock whereas the purebloods were just all round confused.

"Whose Steve Orrin?" Ron asked

"It's Irwin and he's a muggle wildlife expert who presented a show about the animals of the Australian outback", Seamus replied before asking the million pound question on everyone's mind. "And Malfoy knows this how?"

The pureblood in question just shrugged,"My au pair was a muggle."

"10 points from you both and off to your head of house"

***Ten minutes later***

"You impersonated a dead wild life expert and you have ink all over your faces"

"It's not ink professor it's cam-cream"

"And what is cam-cream may I ask?"

"It's camouflage cream used mainly by the military to hid undetected. My dad let me have all his spare kit." Hermione supplied

"As well as that I heard you impersonation for a better word failed"

"No miss, Hermione just let her natural accent seep through"

"Yes miss, you don't think I naturally spoke true English, I'm a Geordie through and through the Tyne's me home."

"No matter Miss Granger you are both in detention tonight now go wash that stuff off your faces."

"Yes Professor" they said in unison before running laughing back to the common room.


End file.
